I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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