he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
