BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
