i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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