Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
