i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
