My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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