That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
