Pappa wants mamma naked
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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