I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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