I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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