I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
