At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
