Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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