there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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