I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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