the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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