Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
