Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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