I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
