I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
