we have pet lesbian snakes
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
