I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
