You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
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