i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
