My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
