Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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