I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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