I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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