Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
