Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
