We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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