btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
