Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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