i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
