he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
