I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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