Already got asked if we're dating
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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