i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize