My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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