A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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