Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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