Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
