i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
