its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
