she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
