I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
