mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
