i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
