dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
