a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
