Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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