Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
