Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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