I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
