I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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