Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
