smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
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He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
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you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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