I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
