I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
