I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
